could fall right back in love with him.”
Sebastian tried not to let his feelings show. He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. Anger? Hurt?
Sympathy?
“But you’re not. Going to get that chance, I mean.”
“I know,” Blaine said. “I’m not even going to try.”
Sebastian gave a curt nod and stared at Blaine quietly as he finished with the rest of the dishes. “But what
if you had gotten the chance?” he found himself asking. “What if Kurt never remembered anything after
the accident and we got a divorce? Would you have got back together with him?”
Blaine didn’t look at him when he answered. “Eventually.”
Sebastian licked his lips, dug his teeth into the tender flesh of his bottom lip and dragged his thumb back
and forth along the inside of his wedding band in a silent reminder that that hadn’t happened. “Of course,”
he said, his voice coming out clipped.
“Would you have blamed me if I had?” Blaine asked, raising his eyes to Sebastian again except this time
there was a hint of challenge in them.
“Yes.” Sebastian said firmly.
“For giving Kurt what he wanted?”
Sebastian gritted his teeth. “You’re not who Kurt wants.”
Blaine’s shoulders sagged even further and all of Sebastian’s anger drained out at the sight of him. “Believe
me,” he said in a weak voice. “I know.”
They settled on the couch after Blaine was done wiping his hands dry on the kitchen towel. There was an
awkward silence between them that neither seemed willing to break. Sebastian kept thinking of the easy
way Blaine had said eventually, of Kurt’s intense looks all morning and restless tossing the previous night.
The low hum of Saturday morning sitcoms filled the apartment while they waited for Kurt to return
because suddenly, without him, their usually easy friendship seemed strained. Or maybe it was because of
him.
It took Blaine drawing his knees up to his chest and dropping his chin onto his folded arms for Sebastian to
notice the drying tear tracks on his face. He felt helpless, unequipped to deal with Blaine like this but he
was Blaine’s friend and Blaine had been there for him when Sebastian and Kurt had been going through
difficult times early in their relationship. Just because Blaine had admitted to a hypothetical situation
where he could have back the puppy dog love from his teenage years didn’t mean he was actually looking
to break Sebastian and Kurt up.
Feeling like a shit friend, Sebastian reached an arm out and draped it over Blaine’s shoulders. Blaine raised
his head and wiped at his face, sniffing dismissively. “I’m okay,” he said. “Really.”
“The fuck you are,” Sebastian said. “You look like a sad cartoon.”
Blaine gave him a weak smile and sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“With Tyler?”
“No, with the gorgeous single men queuing up for a chance to be with me. Yes with Tyler you idiot.”
Sebastian smiled and slid his fingers into Blaine’s drying curls, ruffling them affectionately. “Well at least
you have some of your spunk back.”
_
“We should go out tonight,” Sebastian said over lunch. “Just the three of us.” He realized a little too late
that just the three of us wasn’t the best idea since Blaine was bound to feel like a third wheel even without
Sebastian and Kurt acting like a couple. “Or I can call some other people too,” he added quickly.
“Will going out involve alcohol?”
“No,” said Kurt.
“Yes,” said Sebastian.
“I’m in.” Blaine said with a grin.
Sebastian gave a self satisfied smile of his own and looked to Kurt who was glaring at him, shaking his
head. “You can be designated driver,” Sebastian said to him, his voice edging on teasing. His foot found
Kurt’s calf beneath the table, toes wiggling against his skin enough for Kurt to jerk and struggle to hide a
smile. “Come on, Kurt. Live a little.” Again, he realized too late that his words weren’t exactly the best fit
for the current situation because while the throwback to 2011 might have been funny for Kurt, Blaine
seemed to take the greater hit of the words and the grin on his face wavered.
Seriously, Sebastian really sucked at this stuff sometimes. The whole point of this night was to not make
Blaine feel like crap because his fiance turned out to be a dick (to no one’s surprise but his) and reminding
him of a time when Kurt had eyes for only him and painfully highlighting how everything was reversed now
was kind of not doing that. Kurt’s eyes darted to Blaine, cautious and calculating but a second later, Blaine
was grinning again, gulping down water and asking, “So where are we going?”
“I was thinking Pulse,” Sebastian said slowly. “We haven’t been there in ages but Kurt -”
“Kurt’s fine,” Kurt cut him off.
Sebastian frowned. “I thought you said the thumping music would be too much.”
Kurt shook his head and stabbed at his sweet potato with a fork. “Nope,” he said. “It’s going to be fine.”
“So - Pulse?” Blaine said.
Sebastian broke away from staring at Kurt to look at him. “Yeah,” he said with a smile. “Pulse it is. Maybe
we’ll find some cute rebound for you.”
For a moment, he worried if that had been the wrong thing to say too but Blaine raised his eyebrows and
sighed. “I seriously hope so.”
_
After lunch, Blaine wandered back into the guest room to sleep off the remainder of his headache. Kurt
took the opportunity to pull Sebastian into their bedroom and change the sheets. “I have something I
wanted to ask you,” he said as he tucked in the corners of a slate sheet. Sebastian wondered if Kurt was
going to call him out on his plans to get Blaine drunk and carefree but with the way Kurt was fidgeting as
he adjusted the creases in the sheet, he had a feeling it was something more serious.
“I had a flashback of sorts last night and it’s been bugging me.”
“You mean the dream where you started crying?”
Kurt paused and looked up at him quietly for a long moment before he shook his head and grabbed a
pillow. “No, not that.”
“Then what?”
Kurt walked around the bed to where Sebastian was standing and wrapped his fingers around his forearm,
taking a deep breath. “Remember Stella’s birthday?”
“Stella the chick who used to work with you?” Sebastian asked.
“I guess,” Kurt said. “I don’t remember details about her but - we were playing truth and dare and she
asked me who I would choose to save between you and Blaine if the house was burning down and -”
“Wait wait wait wait,” Sebastian said, cutting him off. He frowned, trying to recall the night of Stella’s
birthday party from the hazy, alcohol numbed memories in his brain. This is what Kurt must always feel
like, he thought when he had to strain to remember that particular round of truth or dare. “Kurt, I’m pretty
sure she just asked you who was a better lay.”
Kurt’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “What?”
“Yeah,” Sebastian said. “She just asked you who was better at sex. Me or Blaine.”
“I -” Kurt shook his head. “No. I remember her asking about a burning house.”
“You were dreaming,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “Didn’t you say sometimes you saw messed up versions
of memories?”
Kurt blinked and dropped his hand from Sebastian’s arm. “Yeah but -” he sat down on the freshly laid
sheets and started running his fingers in circles over the smooth cotton. “I could have sworn this was a
legitimate flashback.” After a pause, he looked up at Sebastian and asked, “So what did I say?”
Sebastian grinned. “Blaine gives better head but I win in all other departments.” Kurt smiled but it didn’t
reach his eyes. “Blaine was happy,” Sebastian continued. “I was hurt. I give awesome head. You got
multiple blowjobs a day for a long time after that night.”
“Mm,” Kurt hummed absently.
“So,” Sebastian said, sitting down next to him. “Who’d you save in your version?” He felt nervous
anticipation build up inside of him like he was back in front of Kurt with a ring held out in the palm of his
hand, heart hammering in his chest and every nerve in his body restless.
“I uh -” Kurt swallowed hard and avoided Sebastian’s eye. Not a good sign. “I didn’t choose,” he said finally.
“You didn’t choose?” Sebastian repeated with a frown.
“I refused to answer.”
“Oh.”
Sebastian would definitely have been lying if he’d said that he hadn’t been expecting Kurt to choose him.
Hearing Kurt say that he’d taken the easy way out and not answered at all made everything hurt more than
it would have if Kurt had straight out chosen Blaine. He hadn’t been bothered when Kurt told him he was
having wet dreams about Blaine but this was different. This hurt.
“No, Sebastian -” Kurt said, grabbing Sebastian’s arm and pulling him back down to the bed when he tried
to stand up. “I don’t. You know it doesn’t mean - that.”
“Then what does it mean?” Sebastian asked calmly.
“It means - I was confused.” Kurt said.
“I’m sure not choosing to let me die was a very confusing decision,” Sebastian said bitterly.
Kurt’s eyes flared with anger quickly giving way to tiredness. “It wasn’t actually. Not that.” He slid his
fingers through Sebastian’s and slotted their palms together tightly, drawing their joint hands onto his
thigh. “I woke up and I realized almost immediately that there would never be a scenario where I wouldn’t
save you.” he said, eyes raking over his face. “I can’t live without you.” His voice cracked and Sebastian
huffed out a breath, saying fuck, Kurt before he cupped Kurt’s cheek with his free hand and crashed their
mouths together. Kurt’s lips moved over his furiously, tongue licking across the pout of his lower lip, hand
pulling free of Sebastian’s to grip his waist, slide up his side and fit the curve of his neck.
I can’t live without you either, Sebastian thought as Kurt pulled him in closer, kisses slowing down to
something softer, less desperate and more tender. I don’t know what I would have done without you.
“Sebastian,” Kurt said, lips skidding to the corner of Sebastian’s mouth when Sebastian tried to push him
back on to the bed. “Sebastian, hang on a second -”
Painfully, Sebastian moved back, eyes pulled towards the wet glint of Kurt’s mouth and the warm flush on
his cheeks. He smiled- so thankful to have Kurt next to him and barely resisted diving right back in to kiss
him senseless because something about this memory-dream-thing had been bugging Kurt and Sebastian
was curious to know what it was. Kurt took a few, calming breaths before speaking again. “You know I love
you, right?”
“I think it’s safe to say so,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Which is why I’m surprised you didn’t say my name
in your dream.”
Kurt sighed, “You also know how much I loved Blaine? The way I loved Blaine when we were together?”
Sebastian nodded. “Well, I can still feel that sometimes. That kind of love, that kind of intensity is hard
enough to forget as it is but actually having it alive and living in the only part of your brain you can actually
remember things clearly? It’s pretty hard to let go. And realizing that if it ever came to it, I’d choose to let
him die and save you - that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever come to terms with. I guess that’s why I
didn’t answer in my dream. How was I supposed to tell him I’d let him die? He’s my best friend. You know I
love you - I never forgot how to love you even with all of this amnesia crap and you know I always will love
you but most of that stuff I said to Blaine back when we were stupid kids making promises we couldn’t
keep and I’ve had years to grow up and come to terms with reality but sometimes I still feel like I’ve been
force fed too much information all at once and it’s - it’s just been driving me crazy. I see Blaine alone and
heartbroken and my chest aches for him and I feel horrible because I get to have you and I get to have him
and -”
“Kurt,” Sebastian said softly, laying a hand over Kurt’s and hushing him. “Calm down baby.”
“I just want him to be happy,” Kurt said, closing his eyes. “We all grow up, we all lose things we thought we
never would and we all have to go through harsh adjustments but we still deserve to be happy. I found you
and I swear to god Sebastian Smythe, you are the last person I thought would make me happy -” Sebastian
smiled widely. “ - but you do. You make me so fucking happy and that’s all I want for him too. Someone or
something to make him as happy as he deserves to be.”
Sebastian had no clue how to reply to something like that. He had always been in awe of the way Kurt was
able to love, to be compassionate and forgive people. He knew Kurt would fight for what he wanted but
when it came down to it, he’d give up something he wanted with all his heart if it was hurting someone he
loved. And so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that Kurt was beating himself up over Blaine’s heartbreak
and a twisted dram.
Instead of giving Kurt an answer or comforting words, Sebastian ended up asking him more questions. “If
this is what was bugging you, then what was the other dream?”
Kurt didn’t register his words for a few seconds but when he did, his eyes grew wide and his lips formed a
small ‘O’. “That was - it was.”
“It was...?” Sebastian pressed.
“It was a dream I’d had before,” Kurt said. “A short while after my flashbacks started. I’m watching the
aftermath of a car crash but instead of me, the victim is you.”
That surprised Sebastian. Kurt had never mentioned that to him before and suddenly his cries of no, please
don’t leave me the night before made much more sense. He wordlessly wrapped an arm around Kurt’s
shoulder and pulled him against his chest. Kurt held him for a few long moments before pulling away. He
gave a tight smile and rubbed a hand along his forehead. “Just my brain being weird and projecting fears I
guess.”
Your fear of losing me. God, if only you knew the things my brain did when I thought I’d lose you.
Sebastian launched himself at Kurt once more, not caring about how gracelessly he pinned him to the bed
but the second he was on top of him, Kurt’s legs fell open to accommodate him and his arms came to wrap
around his body, holding him close. Kurt’s mouth was warm and familiar and Sebastian let himself melt
into it, tongues and teeth and lips moving together with ease like they had forever and they did, he
guessed, but they could also only have these few minutes and Sebastian wanted to make use of every
single second. Words were overrated, in Sebastian’s experience, touch was what said so much with so
little. And so, when he slid his palm up the hem of Kurt’s shirt to rest heavy and warm against his stomach,
he knew that Kurt understood it to mean I’m here and God, I could kiss you forever at the same time.
Chapter 40
This is the longest I have ever gone without updating. I am so, so sorry but RL got in the way as it often
does with messy feelings and an absent muse and I couldn’t muster up the inspiration to write. I probably
wouldn’t have been able to gather it at all if it weren’t for Shauna’s butt kicking and general, life saving
help or without Elen, Kay and Susan’s epic cheerleading. Thank you, everyone else who waited patiently,
told me to take my time and left kind words when I was feeling miserable. I hope this chapter makes up for
the long absence <3
Objectively, Kurt knew he must have liked going to clubs and bars at some point in his life. He had enough
snippets of memories and facebook pictures and videos to deduce as much. But as they queued up in front
of Pulse, Kurt couldn’t really understand why. He supposed he should have been enjoying himself, there
was a general buzz of excitement in the air, backed up with the steady thump of the music spilling out from
the club doors onto the street. Blaine was next to him, smiling happy and genuine and Sebastian was
constantly brushing his hand against his waist or the inside of his wrist while he talked as if he was having
trouble keeping his hands to himself.
Really, there was no reason he shouldn’t have been looking forward to going inside and dancing into the
late hours of the night with these two men. Except he was worried he was going to end up embarrassing
himself, that shimmying on the dance floor at Scandals was a far cry from what everyone would be doing
inside. The part of him that was still eighteen eclipsed every ounce of confidence his twenty eight year old
had at that point leaving him hanging in-between, neither boy nor man, just a very confused Kurt.
“Why do you look like you’re about to throw up?” Sebastian asked, nudging Kurt with an elbow as they
shuffled a few steps forward in the line. “You feeling okay?”
Kurt nodded jerkily. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Really?” Blaine asked. “You don’t look it.”
“I’m fine,” Kurt repeated firmly.
“Well, if you keep looking so freaking scared, they’re never going to let you in,” Sebastian said. “Seriously
Kurt, you look like you’re twelve right now. Even your ID isn’t going to cut it at this point.” Kurt didn’t get a
chance to glare at him because Sebastian was suddenly turning around to look at a boy standing in line
behind them, a boy who was definitely too young to be there. “You too,” he said to him. “For god’s sake
you look like your mommy is about to jump out and catch you any second.”
The boy looked up from where he’d been staring at his feet, blue eyes bright beneath a fringe of sandy
hair. He looked startled at being addressed. “W-what?” Kurt noticed the way his eyes raked over
Sebastian’s face, the flush of red that spread across his cheeks.
Sebastian glowed with the obvious infatuation. “Tell you what,” he said. “If you manage to make it past the
bouncer, I’ll dance with you.”
The boy’s eyes flickered to Kurt and stayed there, his lips parted and surprise painted all over his face. Kurt
gave him a small smile before turning back around. “You enjoy attention too much,” he said to Sebastian
with a grin, remembering the teenage girl from the restaurant. Sebastian shrugged, not denying it. He
wrapped his arm around Kurt’s waist, eyes on Blaine who was staring at someone further down the line.
Kurt followed his gaze but there were too many people for him to pinpoint exactly who Blaine was staring
at.
“Find someone you like, killer?” Sebastian asked, nudging the back of Blaine’s foot with his shoe.
Blaine blinked and looked away from whoever he’d been staring at. “Maybe,” he said, rolling his shoulders
and bouncing on the balls of his feet. His grin reminded Kurt of the reason he’d agreed to come in the first
place; because it was what Blaine had wanted and at this point, he was willing to do anything to make his
best friend not feel like crap because of some asshole who’d never deserved him.
“I wish they’d hurry up,” Blaine said. “We’ve been out here forever.”
“Ten minutes,” Kurt corrected.
Blaine turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah - forever.”
They made it to the front of the queue - much too soon for Kurt’s liking and not soon enough for Blaine’s.
The bouncer gave them one look before nodding and letting them through, though Kurt could almost
swear he felt his eyes linger dangerously on him as they passed, like he was going to call him back and ask
for ID. That’s ridiculous, Kurt’s inner voice assured him, there is no way you look younger than eighteen.
He certainly felt eighteen though as he took in his surroundings. The inside of the club was twice as loud as
the outside, the mass of bodies on the dance floor all pulsating under the tinted blue and purple of the
lights. Nothing here even remotely resembled Scandals. It actually made Scandals look like a barn out in
the middle of nowhere. If Kurt hadn’t been nervous enough before, he definitely was now. Any hope he’d
had of being hit by a brilliant flash of memory upon entering had been pretty much dashed. The
surroundings were almost intimidating in their foreignness.
“Relax,” Sebastian said from next to him, his hand returning to Kurt’s waist and squeezing reassuringly.
“It’ll be fun.”
“I know,” Kurt said, straightening his shoulders like he was preparing to walk into the midst of a battle. “I
hope so.”
“Look, if you don’t feel up to staying, you can take the car and head home. I’ll grab a cab back with Blaine.”
Kurt shook his head. “No. No, I want to stay.”
“Well then you’re going to have to loosen up, baby,” Sebastian said with a grin just as Blaine dragged them
to the bar, demanding tequila shots immediately. Kurt wanted to stop Blaine from drinking, remind him of
last night and the horrible hangover this morning, but Sebastian threw him a look saying don’t you dare
ruin the poor guy’s fun and he relented.
Kurt watched Blaine and Sebastian knock back their shots, repeating the process of lick, drink, bite with
practiced precision. “I’m feeling...kinda left out,” he admitted when both Blaine and Sebastian slammed
down their final glass and picked up their slices of lime.
Sebastian leaned over his stool to Kurt, face flushed and grinning and said, “Have a taste, then.”
He cupped Kurt’s chin, pressing down on his lower lip with the pad of his thumb until Kurt let his mouth fall
open enough for Sebastian to roll his tongue out, gently brushing it over his own. It was still heavy with the
bitter-sour flavors of tequila and lime, Kurt’s head spun a little just from the second hand taste. He felt self
conscious for all of two seconds, wondering if Blaine was watching them along with the million other
people in the club before he let his thoughts go and gripped Sebastian’s arm, reeling him in closer to kiss
him more fully on the mouth. He heard Blaine shout over the loud music, something about going off to
dance and he sounded happy enough that Kurt didn’t have to pull away from Sebastian to make sure he
hadn’t offended him by ignoring him.
“Come on,” Sebastian said a few seconds later, breaking the kiss and taking Kurt’s hand. “Let’s dance.”
Kurt let Sebastian lead him out to the dance floor, right in the middle of the moving crowd. If Kurt had
been paying any attention to them, he’d have felt suffocated by the sheer number of people there, maybe
even stared critically at some of the fashion choices they had made. But he wasn’t paying any attention. He
was focused solely on Sebastian, the arms around his waist, the feeling of their bodies close together. The
tip of Sebastian’s nose touched his cheek, skimming down along his jaw, catching the corner of Kurt’s
smile. As they moved, Kurt’s previous nervousness about embarrassing himself on the dance floor faded.
His body fell into the natural rhythm well remembered from countless hours spent on this very dance floor
with Sebastian. He could feel the beat of the song pulsing under his skin, like a drug injected into his veins,
slowly unraveling the part of him that remembered how much he enjoyed this.
Kurt lost track of how long they danced. Heat was pooling in his stomach, spreading through his whole
body and growing more urgent with every second he continued to move with and against Sebastian’s
body. Even under the shifting purple-blue lights, Sebastian’s eyes were dark and looking at Kurt much in
the way a wolf would look at its prey - hungry, eager. It was the satisfaction Kurt got out of teasing
Sebastian with every roll of his hips and the press of lips along his skin that kept him from grinding against
him hard and fast until he came.
“I hate you,” Sebastian gritted out when Kurt licked along the stubble on his chin.
“You won’t when we get back home and I fuck you on the couch,” Kurt said, dancing his fingers up along
Sebastian’s sides. “Or maybe I’ll try fucking you up against the wall. Or maybe you can fuck me.”
He pulled back enough to get a good look at the hungry expression on Sebastian’s face, grinning in
triumph. Sebastian opened his mouth to reply but before he could say anything, Kurt was being tugged
away from him, whirled around by a firm hand on his forearm.
“Heeeeyyyyy best friend!” Blaine shouted gleefully, bouncing on his feet even as he kept a firm grip on
Kurt’s arm.
“Oh my god,” Kurt gasped as he found his footing again. “Blaine! Are you trying to kill me?”
“No, silly!” said Blaine with a shake of his head as if Kurt was out of his mind. “I’m trying to dance with
you!” He let go of Kurt’s arm and proceeded to begin a familiar body bob, face scrunching up and hair
flopping around on his head as he danced. “Come on, dance with me!” he said when Kurt just stood there
and laughed. He took Kurt’s hand and spun him around, jumping back into his personal space as he tried to
lead Kurt into a sashay. Kurt glanced back at where Sebastian stood watching them with a grin on his face
before throwing himself into the dance. It was nothing like the sexy, teasing dances he’d shared with
Sebastian just now. This was careless and silly and sweetly reminiscent of his and Blaine’s first time at
Scandals, young and nervous and relying on each other to have fun.
“Sebastian! Dance with us!” Blaine shouted when he noticed that Sebastian hadn’t joined them.
“I think I’ll pass,” Sebastian said. “You two are embarrassing.”
Kurt threw him a glare over his shoulder but Sebastian’s grin was affectionate as he moved past them.
Blaine wasn’t quite ready to let him go. “Oh no you don’t,” he said, launching himself forward to grab
Sebastian’s arm and drag him back. Sebastian ended up sandwiched between the two of them, back
pressed to Kurt and chest-to-chest with Blaine. It was slightly awkward because he was taller than both of
them by quite a few inches and that made dancing as a threesome difficult.
“Hang on,” Sebastian said, spinning out and around to move behind Kurt. The new position meant Kurt was
now pressed between the two men, shimmying with Blaine in front of him and rolling his shoulders back
against Sebastian behind him. “This is much better.”
“This is perfect!” Blaine said, leaning in to Kurt as he danced.
Kurt smiled, draping his arms over Blaine’s shoulders as Sebastian brought his own hands down to rest on
Kurt’s waist. His muscles were starting to ache a bit but Kurt ignored them, too caught up in Blaine and
Sebastian and the thrumming energy in his body.
Yes, this was perfect.
_
Blaine remained on the dance floor when Kurt and Sebastian moved back to the bar to get more drinks.
Kurt collapsed on to a stool as Sebastian ordered for them, scanning the club. The surroundings felt more
familiar now, nothing explicit jumping to mind, but they didn’t seem as foreign as they had upon entering
it. He saw Blaine had moved on to dance with another guy, a guy Kurt was pretty sure had been in the
group he’d seen waiting in line outside. He seemed very...interested in Blaine. If the way he kept grabbing
handfuls of Blaine’s ass as they danced was any indication.
Kurt’s didn’t feel the wave of jealously he’d expected at the sight of them, he just felt something protective
erupt inside his chest. So far, Blaine had seemed to be having a good time but Kurt remembered the
broken way Blaine had looked at him last night, the desperation in his kiss. He just wanted to make sure
Blaine wasn’t going to set himself up for more hurt.
“He’s fine,” Sebastian said gently from next to him. Kurt tore his eyes away from Blaine to look at him.
Sebastian was watching Blaine with a thoughtful expression on his face.
“From what I remember, you thought he was fine with Tyler too.”
“Well that guy isn’t Tyler,” Sebastian said decisively. “I don’t want him getting hurt any more than you do
Дата добавления: 2015-09-29; просмотров: 28 | Нарушение авторских прав
| <== предыдущая лекция | | | следующая лекция ==> |