When Liam comes out of the building after showering and changing Louis lets Zayn hug him first so when he goes into Liam’s arms it doesn’t seem strange when he lingers there. Liam just accepts a bit

Chapter Ten:

When Liam comes out of the building after showering and changing Louis lets Zayn hug him first so when he goes into Liam’s arms it doesn’t seem strange when he lingers there. Liam just accepts a bit of his weight as Louis nuzzles into his neck telling him he did great and seeking comfort in Liam’s strong arms around his shoulders. Liam doesn’t know what’s wrong with Louis, he usually never does, but after the hug he keeps an arm around Louis’ shoulders as if it’s his choice not to let go. The others don’t see Louis’ hand under Liam’s jacket fisted around his sweatshirt.

Liam smiles down at Louis as they stand side by side facing the other three but there is a question in his eyes. Louis just smiles in response. Liam probably just thinks he’s having social anxiety about Harry and Niall or something. He doesn’t know that Harry makes Louis feel more comfortable than he has in a long time and it’s impossible not to get along with Niall, but Louis can’t exactly say ‘I’m nervous because I don’t know how to hide my diet from you’ so he lets Liam think whatever will keep his arm around his shoulders.

Liam turns his smile to the others and Louis smiles a little brighter, “Li, this is Harry and Niall,” he says.

Liam does not remove his right arm from around Louis’ shoulders, because true to form he’d rather share a ridiculously awkward left handed hand shake than let go of Louis when he can sense that Louis needs him. Harry is eyeing them a little but he smiles warmly and shakes. Louis knows the dynamic between the three of them is confusing as fuck for an outsider but he can’t bring himself to care at the moment. Harry will figure it out if he wants to be an addition, if he wants to fit somewhere. Maybe Niall too, Louis will have to see.

"Good meeting ya," Niall grins.

"Yeah mate," Harry agrees, "great game."

Liam grins, “thanks,” he says, bashfully.

"That third goal was sick!" Niall adds enthusiastically.

They go off on a tangent, Liam, Niall and Zayn talking game and it’s a moment before Louis realizes Harry isn’t in the conversation. When he raises his head from where it was pressed alongside Liam’s neck he catches Harry’s eyes on him. Harry offers a shy smile and Louis returns it, taking in the way Harry stands with his hands in the pockets of his impossibly tight jeans, shoulders a little hunched.

"Oh and Liam we’re taking you out for an early dinner to celebrate!" Zayn says excitedly.

Louis breaks away from Harry’s gaze and looks up to Liam. The look of surprise and utter joy on Liam’s face would be comical if Louis didn’t know how ridiculously genuine the reaction is. His thick eyebrows shoot up and a grin splits his face and instantly he looks down to Louis confirming the statement.

Louis brightens his smile a notch, “yeah we’ve got to treat our champ right,” he says, pinching Liam’s side playfully and eliciting a laugh.

"Wow thanks guys," Liam grins, "thanks," he adds, quieter and pressed into Louis’ hair, just for him.

Louis hates that. He hates that Liam feels like he needs to say a special thank you to Louis just for agreeing to go out for dinner with his friends. He hates that Liam is so surprised that they’re treating him to a night out because he knows that Louis would rather be at home. Louis hates that Liam doesn’t know it’s the food he hates, not the going out. Louis would go out every single night with them if he could just be with them and not have to worry about avoiding food.

Louis knows he can’t claim he’s not hungry because Zayn knows he hasn’t eaten yet. He can’t claim he’s not well or the two of them will swoop in and begin fawning over him, insisting they go home to play nurse and doctor. He can’t show how much he’s panicking because then that smile will be off Liam’s face in an instant and Louis doesn’t want to do that, never wants to do that to his Liam. Louis decides he needs to get his shit together.

He extricates himself from Liam’s side and claps his hands together, “so where should we go eat?” he asks, faking excitement.

Liam beams down at him, so sincerely excited for a dinner out. Liam is just like that, you could hand him a chewed up old pencil and tell him it was a gift and he’d still look at you like a kid on Christmas. Louis lets Zayn and Liam bicker about where to go, until Niall finally exclaims that he hasn’t eaten all day and is dying and they decide on the little greek restaurant downtown. Away from Liam’s side Louis feels the cold lapping at him again and he tucks his arms around himself.

He catches Harry’s eyes on him and he wonders if Harry is a little nervous because Liam and Zayn can be a little overwhelming sometimes what with their bickering like an old married couple while simultaneously finishing each others sentences. Harry smiles though, and as always when Harry smiles Louis finds himself smiling back. It feels a little strained because Louis’ throat is itching already, but the warmth behind it is real. It’s always real with Harry, Louis can’t help but notice.

"So Niall d’you mind leading us there, we’ve never been?" Liam asks, "Zayn you’ll go with Lou," he adds.

"Li I think I can handle following you," Louis says, rolling his eyes, "Zayn can go with you."

Liam has his own car at the field and it doesn’t make sense for Louis to go with them and leave his car here because the field is all the way on the other side of town from their flat. Niall is the one twirling a set of keys around his finger so Louis assumes he drove himself and Harry.

"No Lou, don’t want you driving alone," Liam says gently and Zayn nods in agreement.

"I’ll go with you," Harry offers, smiling brightly with that hopeful look on his face.

Louis’ frowns, “what about Niall,” he says.

"I know where the place is mate, let Haz go with, yeah?" Niall grins, always grinning, "he’s been there too so if we get separated you’ll be alright."

Louis just shrugs and Liam eyes Harry up and down before glancing at Zayn and exchanging one of their looks. Zayn must approve because then Liam nods. It’s ridiculously really, Louis thinks, but they’re the family he has. They all start back to the parking lot and split off to their respective cars, Liam will follow Niall and Louis will follow Liam. They get in Louis car and Harry has to slide the seat back a bit because his legs are so long. Louis starts the car and plugs in his iPhone. Harry’s playlist floods the speakers as he waits a second for the car to warm, and tries not to look like he’s having a seizure from shivering too hard.

"So the playlist is alright?" Harry asks, as Louis backs out of the parking stall and pulls up behind Liam who is idling behind Niall.

"Yeah it’s really good, thanks mate," Louis confirms as Niall leads them out of the parking lot.

"May I?" Harry asks gesturing at the phone in the cup holder.

"Sure," Louis says.

Harry scrolls through landing on See The Sun by The Kooks and Louis reaches forward to turn it up. He welcomes the music as a buffer between he and Harry. They’ve never hung out outside of school and Louis is a little worried the conversation won’t flow as freely in the real world. His stomach is also clenching and unclenching violently and he has to take one hand off the steering wheel to wrap his arm around his middle. He’s discrete as he tries to physically hold himself together and drive at the same time.

"I have to say, I’m pretty pumped to be hanging out," Harry says and Louis can hear the grin in his voice.

"Yeah? How come?" he asks.

"Didn’t think you’d ever want to hang out outside of school," he says, sounding sheepish.

Louis shakes his head, “sure I would Harry,” he says.

Louis can see Harry’s grin from the side, dimple in full force, “yeah?” he asks, turning to meet Louis’ eyes.

"Yeah," Louis laughs a little.

"Doyouthinkmaybeyou’dliketohangoutsometimejustthetwoofus," Harry says, and Louis thinks its definitely the fastest he has ever heard Harry speak.

"Say again?" Louis asks, putting on his signal light to follow Liam around a corner.

"Er- you think maybe we could hangout some time? Like you and I?" Harry repeats, rubbing the back of his neck and looking straight ahead.

Louis smiles a little and nods, “sure,” he says.

"Really?"

"Yes really," Louis nods again.

Harry just beams across at Louis, and Louis just laughs and blushes a little under Harry’s gaze. Poor boy must be pretty damn lonely if he’s this excited to hangout with me, Louis thinks to himself, but hatever the reason he doesn’t mind. As long as they don’t go to eat. His smile falters a little at that thought but Harry doesn’t notice because he’s grinning out the window.

The drive to the restaurant is short and they just listen to music but Harry’s dimple shows the whole time as he bites back a smile. Louis would find it endearing except he’s panicking inwardly about this meal he’s about to sit down to. They pull into the parking lot behind Liam and Louis takes the stall beside him. Louis gets out and Harry waits to let Liam get out beside him before he opens his own door and climbs out. He reaches to the sky and his back lets out a couple loud pops.

Liam’s eyebrows raise, “alright mate?” he asks Harry.

“Yeah I’ve got retched posture, my back cracks a lot,” Harry laughs.

Zayn comes around the front of the car and slings his arm around Louis shoulders, as Niall bounds over from his car. Louis leans into Zayn as they go up the walkway to the restaurant. Harry reaches the door first and he holds it open for them.

“Such a gentleman,” Louis teases as he and Zayn pass.

He misses the way Harry’s cheeks redden as he continues to hold the door for Niall and Liam. Louis and Zayn approach the hostess and Zayn asks for a booth for five. She leads them to one by the window and the restaurant is half empty because it’s still too early for the dinner rush. Zayn slides into the booth first and Niall slips in across, as Louis sits down beside Zayn. Liam slides in next to Louis and Harry sits beside Niall, across from them.

Louis feels Zayn’s hand on his leg by his knee under the table, rubbing slow circles with his thumb. Zayn is always comforting Louis, even if he doesn’t know what he’s comforting for. Louis isn’t sure when Liam and Zayn decided they needed to protect him, needed to comfort him. Loud, outgoing, confident Louis used to be the real Louis. The boy who always knew who he was and never cared what anyone thought of him, the one who people loved instantly and the one people gravitated to, he was real once upon a time. That is the Louis Liam knew for their whole childhood, that’s the Louis that Zayn met their first day of college.

Then one day everything fell apart and Louis tore along the seams and that just wasn’t Louis anymore. He hated himself more and more every single day. Maybe after all those years of always giving everything of himself, laying every bit of himself out on the table for everyone to see, maybe there was nothing left for him to give. He was empty and stripped bare and when he finally got a good look at himself without all the brightness and loudness and exuberance he hated what he saw.

He kept up the act for their first year of uni, being loud and fun and all the things people always loved about him, but it wasn’t him anymore. One day he just couldn’t keep up the act anymore. He remembers kind of wanting to die but he’d never tell anyone that. He closed in on himself and he might have even shut Liam and Zayn out if they let him, but of course they didn’t.

The comfort and the protection came long before he let himself stop acting though. When Louis’ world fell to shit and he had to get away, they came with him to London for school and everything shifted. They had always been impossibly close before, but Liam and Zayn became both his family and his protectors. Louis doesn’t know when they decided he needed their protection and their comfort, and maybe they don’t realize how fucked up Louis really is, but he thanks the god he doesn’t even believe in every day of his life for them.

“Lou?” Liam says gently, squeezing his hand under the table.

Louis blinks and his cheeks heat when he realizes everyone’s eyes are on him, “hmm? Sorry zoned out there for a mo,” he says.

“S’okay love,” Zayn says, “he’ll have a water,” he tells the waitress who is hovering at the end of the table with her eyebrows raised at Louis.

He knows Louis only ever drinks water. Louis offers the waitress a sheepish smile and nods, she bustles off having already taken the others drink orders. Liam’s hand takes it’s place on his other knee, mirroring Zayn’s. Comforting, always comforting. Louis realizes everyone is looking at their menu’s so he picks his up. He smiles reassuringly at Harry when he catches his eyes over the top of his menu.

Louis analyzes his menu, his body in conflict. His stomach is writhing, pleading for food, but his throat is itching, begging him not to eat, reminding him of how much he’s going to hate himself. He thinks maybe he’ll get chicken kabobs with greek salad on the side, because it will save him from the carbs that weigh the heaviest in his stomach. He inwardly cringes at how acidic he knows the dressing will be coming back up though. He can only pray they all decide to go home as soon as they’re done eating so he can purge. When Louis states what he plans on ordering Liam and Zayn look at him with a frown.

“That’s all you want Lou? Did you eat something earlier?” Liam asks.

“No he didn’t. That’s not much food Lou,” Zayn frowns, “just salad?”

“They’ve got amazing roasted potatoes here, that might be more filling for you?” Harry offers.

Louis plasters on a smile, “I’m just craving a greek salad, I haven’t had one in ages,” he says.

“God now I cant decide between the potatoes and salad,” Niall whines dramatically.

Everyone laughs and Louis is extremely thankful because the attention is shifted off him. The conversation flows freely around him while they wait for their food. Liam and Niall have returned to talking about football and Louis knows Liam must love it because he could talk about football for hours. Zayn and Harry are deep in conversation and Louis tunes into it, interested in whatever makes Harry’s eyes light up like that when he talks.

“Like absolute perfection, completely like- whats the word- immaculate,” Harry says, “like professional level, so beautiful.”

Zayn nods vigorously, “I know, you should have seen the gown he made last term as his finishing piece. It was like black but he did this thing with the fabric, I don’t even know how, but it looked like he had sewn together liquid or something, the way it flowed. It was the most beautiful-“

“Stop,” Louis says quietly when he realizes they’re talking about him, his cheeks heat up and he hangs his head.

“Lou we can admire your work, Harry’s just saying how much he loves the things you’ve-“

“Don’t,” Louis says, meeting Zayn’s eyes, “thanks guys but please don’t,” he adds a smile at the end so he doesn’t sound rude.

Zayn sees the pleading in Louis eyes though and he presses his lips together and nods, “he’s a little shy about compliments,” he adds jokingly to Harry.

Louis is thankful for Zayn making a joke of it to ease the tension, and he’s even more thankful when Zayn puts an arm around his shoulders. Louis presses closer into his side but smiles at Harry to show he isn’t mad or anything. Harry gives a small smile and nods.

“Yeah I know,” he says a little quietly, “so what about you Zayn, what are you doing school for?” he asks.

Louis is thankful for the subject change as Zayn starts in on explaining his classes. Harry listens intently and nods at all the right parts but he glances over at Louis, watching the way Louis pretends to be listening to Zayn too, as he tears up a napkin absentmindedly. Louis is really glad the four of them get on so well. Niall definitely has kind eyes, Louis decides, Niall has kind everything really.

The food comes and Louis smiles and says how good it smells along with the others, but he kind of wants to run away. He uses every trick he knows, picking at his food, spreading it around on his plate, talking with his fork in his hand so it looks like he’s taking bites. The guys are loud and happy and Louis acts happy too and talks along with them. If he wasn’t thinking about the food on his plate he’d be able to appreciate just how funny Niall is or how easily Harry has clicked with Liam and Zayn.

Louis thinks Niall is a little bit amazing though, because Niall ended up ordering roast potatoes so when the others are talking and Louis offers him half his greek salad Niall accepts the offer without even questioning if Louis is sure he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t protest when Louis dumps more than half of it on his plate either, just says a happy thank you and digs in. Nobody notices but Harry, who just looks at him questioningly but doesn’t say anything. Louis placates him with a smile.

Eventually it gets to the time where the others are getting close to being finished eating and Louis actually has to put food in his mouth or they’ll notice he hasn’t eaten anything. Harry’s eyes fall on Louis while he’s chewing a piece of his chicken kabob, trying to will himself to swallow it, and he offers a smile that Harry returns.

Louis thinks the worst part of this dinner might be eating in front of Harry. He knows he has to act like he loves food so Liam and Zayn don’t worry, but he feels disgusting eating sitting across from this boy who has a body that looks like it was carved by the gods. All the things that he knows Harry must be thinking run through his head with every bite. ‘If Louis had self control like me maybe he wouldn’t be so overweight.’ ‘Louis definitely doesn’t need to be eating that chicken, he should have stuck to the salad.’ Harry is too kind to say any of it out loud of course, but Louis doesn’t blame him for thinking it. He shouldn’t even be eating the salad, let alone the chicken too.

Louis is so thankful when the waitress finally comes back and gathers their plates without Zayn or Liam noticing his is still half full. Louis stomach drops though, when they all order another round of drinks and Niall asks to see the desert menu. Louis should be happy they’re all getting along so well that they want to sit and talk longer but he can’t be happy, because his stomach is heavy and his skin crawls at the thought of the food he’s eaten being digested.

Louis tries to wait it out, hoping maybe they’ll decide against desert and get the bill but then Niall chooses some greek pastry when the waitress comes back. Louis cant even pretend to keep up with the conversation now because he knows if he doesn’t get this food out of him soon he’s fucked. He kind of feels like he’s panicking. He wants to ask them if he can leave but he looks around at them and they’re all so happy and he cant. But he cant let this food sit in his stomach, he cant. He needs to get it out.

“Just going to run to the loo,” he says cheerily, “budge over Li.”

Liam stands to let him out and he makes his way to the restroom, fighting the urge to sprint. When he steps in he takes a quick scan of all the stalls, thankful to find they’re all empty. He knows he has to be quick so he locks himself in the biggest stall and goes to the toilet.

He doesn’t let himself kneel, so if he hears someone come in he can stop and flush the toilet. He bends over as low as he can and then takes one long deep breath. He opens his mouth and reaches two fingers in, stroking at the back of his throat with practiced ease. He only gags twice before the first round of vomit comes rushing up. It splashes as it lands in the water but he keeps his gags silent.

Again and again he draws up the contents of his stomach, over and over, without even giving himself time to properly breathe. Tears are streaming down his face from the burn of it, but he doesn’t have time to wipe them away. He needs to hurry or they’ll notice he’s taking too long.

He purges until nothing comes up anymore and then he tries a few more times just to be sure. He hasn’t seen blood yet but he knows he needs to stop. He lets himself cough a few times to itch the rawness of his throat and then he spits into the toilet before finally flushing. He uses some toilet paper to dry his eyes and dab at his mouth, clears his throat and then steps out of the stall.

His heart drops and he freezes mid step, his mouth hanging open in a stupid ‘o.’ Harry is leaned back against the row of sinks along the wall, big green eyes huge and filled with worry. Louis’ heart pounds and his cheeks burn as he hangs his head. He steps around Harry to the sink and runs the cold water, bending down to scoop some up in his palm and swish it around his mouth. He straightens up and washes his hands, not meeting Harry’s eyes in the mirror.

“Lou, are you alright?” Harry asks softly, standing behind Louis with a warm hand on his shoulder.

Louis grimaces a little and meets Harry’s eyes, “yeah, I don’t know, like, I was feeling a little iffy before, at the soccer game and then I think that dressing on the salad just put me off or something. I’m okay now though I just felt kinda sick,” Louis says.

Harry frowns, eyes searching Louis face, “why didn’t you tell us Lou?”

Louis looks in the mirror, trying to rub away some of the redness in his eyes, adjusting his hair so he doesn’t look dishevelled.

“Because Zayn and Liam would have made us go home, I didn’t want to worry them and I wanted to go out to celebrate for Liam,” Louis explains.

“How are you feeling now?” Harry looks so concerned and sweet and caring as his thumb brushes the back of Louis’ neck gently.

“A bit better, I’ll make it until everyone is ready to leave. Don’t worry okay?” Louis says, forcing a smile.

Harry still frowns, “Lou-“

“Lets go back, I’ve been in here too long. Please don’t say anything Harry, I really don’t want them to worry. I promise I’m fine, okay?” Louis says softly, turning around so he’s looking up at Harry.

Harry was close behind him and when Louis turns around their chests almost brush. Louis can feel Harry’s breath on his cheeks when the younger boy lets out a sigh. Louis looks up at him, his eyes are pleading but he puts what hopes is a reassuring smile on his face. He squeezes Harry’s forearm lightly, Harry’s eyebrows are dipped with his frown but he gives a minuscule nod.

“Promise you’ll tell me if you’re not okay?” he asks.

“Promise,” Louis agrees, breathing a sigh of relief.

He leads Harry out of the bathroom with a hand still on his arm and they slip back into the booth. Louis smiles brightly and Harry barely manages to hide his frown.

“Alright?” Liam and Zayn ask, almost in sync.

“Yeah, good,” Louis smiles.

Harry’s eyes don’t leave Louis for the rest of the time they sit and talk, but Louis acts bright and happy and okay to try and ease the worry he can see in Harry’s eyes. His stomach is empty once again, Harry believed his lie, and his best friends approve of Harry and Niall, so everything is good. He can’t help feeling a little guilty for causing Harry worry though, and he promises himself he’ll never put Harry in that position again.

Дата добавления: 2015-08-28