Why arguments hurt

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.

A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it. He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her. When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he invalidates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance.

Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved. Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

THE FOUR ' Fs ' FOR AVOIDING HURT

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four ' Fs ': Fight, Flight, Fake, and Fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.

1. Fight: This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is " the best defense is a strong offense. " They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning. 2. Flight:This stance also come from Mars. To avoid confrontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion. These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don't even realize how much they do it. Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us. The short-term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resent merits will build. In the long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.

3. Fake: Thisstance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love. They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything "all right, OK, and fine." Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means "It is OK because I am dealing with it alone" or "It's all right because I know what to do" or "It's fine because I am handling it, and I don't need any help." Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument. To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn't. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.

4. Fold: This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves. A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, "I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint is she is not happy." His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say "We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don't know why." She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years. To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners' desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love. Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.

You may have found yourself in one of these four Fs or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.

Дата добавления: 2015-07-19