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Forman kitchen

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FORMAN BASEMENT

 

Никита Hyde: Does it bother anybody else that these women live in Hooterville?

 

Олег Eric: Technically, Petticoat Junction is down the track from Hooterville.

 

Никита Hyde: Okay does it bother anybody else they live down the track from Hooterville?

 

Алена Donna: It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.

 

Боря Kelso: With the dog...

 

Аня Jackie: It isn't the drinking water. It is the water for the train.

 

Алена Donna: It's still three naked women with a dog.

 

Руслан Fez: I want to be the Hooterville dog!

 

Kitty enters, coming down the stairs.

 

Лусине Kitty: Youhou... Coming down... Now don't mind me. I'm just putting some clothes in. Eric, honey, I thought you could wear this on your birthday. It's nice, you look so handsome in it.

 

Олег Eric: Why would I wanna dress nice on my birthday?

 

Боря Kelso: It's your birthday?

 

Лусине Kitty: Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday...

 

Олег Eric: Mom. Mom! Do not throw a party for me.

 

Лусине Kitty: Oh well, listen to Mr. Popularity. Like I have time to plan you a party. Oh, um, by the way, your sister Laurie is coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason, she just is.

 

Kitty exits, going upstairs.

 

Алена Donna: Well, you're getting a party and best of all it's a surprise!

 

Боря Kelso: I just realized Donna's older than you.

 

Алена Donna: Only by a month.

 

Руслан Fez: Good for you Eric!

 

Олег Eric: Good for me what?

 

Руслан Fez: In my country, it is good luck to fall in love with an older woman.

 

Олег Eric: Fez.. Fez!

 

Руслан Fez: No, they come with life-stock.

 

 

FORMAN KITCHEN

 

Олег Eric: Morning.

 

Никита Red: Morning.

 

Олег Eric is about to open the fridge when Kitty slams it shut.

 

Лусине Kitty: Uhn,uhn. I'll get it!

 

She gives him a bottle of milk. She turns around to give him a bowl while Eric starts opening a cupboard. As before, Kitty violently closes it.

 

Лусине Kitty: Uhn uhn, I'll get it.

 

She gives him a box of cereal.

 

Олег Eric: Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?

 

Лусине Kitty: They were on sale.

 

Олег Eric: Please don't throw me a party!

 

Лусине Kitty: I'm not throwing a party.

 

Никита Red: Don't give him one.

 

Лусине Kitty: I'm not.

 

Никита Red: He's too old for a surprise party.

 

Лусине Kitty: I'm agreeing with you.

 

Никита Red: Then stop yelling.

 

Лусине Kitty: I'm not yelling.

 

Олег Eric: Look, I know money is tight so, I don't want a big birthday.

 

Никита Red: I'll decide when money is tight. Now, what kinda gift do you want? Don't worry about the cost... As long as it's reasonable.

 

Олег Eric: Okay, I would like a cassette player for the car. A cassette, not an eight-track. No eight-track, okay?

 

Лусине Kitty: You know, I don't know why they just don't put record players in cars.

 

Олег Eric: The point is I don't want an eight-track tape player.

 

Никита Red: Then you won't get one.

 

Лусине Kitty: Oh, but honey he wants one.

 

Олег Eric: No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.

 

Никита Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.

 

Олег Eric: Doesn't have to be a Delco. It's just for music.

 

Никита Red: Oh now, see now, there's your first mistake. Parts have to be compatible Eric. You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are ya?

 

Олег Eric: No sir. He pauses. Well I'm going out.

 

Лусине Kitty: Oh, oh, good. I want you to run to the store for me. Get a large can of frosting and fifteen small bags of M&Ms, plain not peanuts." She pauses. "They're for your sister.

 

Eric exits, hitting his head on the door.

 

Лусине Kitty, laughing: "That was close!"

 

 

DRIVEWAY

 

Guys are playing basketball.

 

Аня Jackie: So?

 

Алена Donna: What?

 

Аня Jackie: What are you gonna get Eric for his birthday?

 

Алена Donna: I don't know. Nothing seems right. I want to give him something special.

 

Аня Jackie: He kissed you!

 

Алена Donna: Shh! Shh!

 

Аня Jackie: Get in the car! Donna, get in the car so we can talk.

 

Girls get in the car.

 

Аня Jackie: Okay, what happened?

 

Алена Donna: Jackie, I'm not gonna talk to you about this!

 

Аня Jackie: And who are you gonna talk to?

 

They look at the guys who are making farting noises with their armpits.

 

Алена Donna: Okay. We get home from the Rundgren concert and I'm sitting on the hood of the car... And I kissed him!

 

Аня Jackie: French or American?

 

Алена Donna:I can't believe I'm talking to you about this.

 

The both look again at the guys who are carrying Fez in a bungie.

 

Руслан Fez: Guys, No!

 

Алена Donna: Okay! So. Look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life and we talk about everything together. We love the same music, we love the Packers. Then I kissed him and everything changed. And now I don't know if he's my boyfriend, or if he's my best-friend. If he's my boyfriend, I lose my boyfriend. If I screw it up, I lose my best-friend and my boyfriend. Now I have to give him this gift and I don't…"

 

Аня Jackie: Donna. Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.

 

Алена Donna: A scented candle?

 

Аня Jackie: It's practical and romantic. Oh yeah!

 

 

BASEMENT

 

Laurie is in the basement folding clothes in a sweat-shirt only when KELSO and Fez get in, arguing over the ball.

 

Руслан Fez: I had the ball last, I win!

 

Боря Kelso: No, you didn't win.

 

Руслан Fez: Yes, had the ball last and...

 

The guys look at Laurie which is bent over, getting something out of the dryer.

 

Руслан Fez: Holy Mother!

 

Боря Kelso: Hello Laurie.

 

Саша Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.

 

Руслан Fez: Who is the goddess?

 

Боря Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.

 

Никита Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type which works for me.

 

Олег Eric: Laurie.

 

Саша Laurie: Eric.

 

Олег Eric: Shouldn't you put some clothes on?

 

Саша Laurie: Why?

 

Олег Eric: Aren't you a little cold?

 

Саша Laurie: "No, in fact I'm hot.

 

Олег Eric: Oh, well then why don't you go upstairs?

 

Саша Laurie: I am waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer. And I want you to stay off my case. It'll only take me a minute.

 

Олег Eric: I don't think Kelso is gonna last that long!

 

Саша Laurie: Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this. I'm wearing underwear, see?

 

She pulls up her sweat-shirt while all boys but Eric groan in desire.

 

Саша Laurie: If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.

 

Никита Hyde: If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.

 

Саша Laurie: So I understand you have the wagon now. I want to borrow it tomorrow night. I need it.

 

Олег Eric: Okay, but I need a favor.

 

Саша Laurie: For you? I don't think so.

 

Олег Eric: Come on. Look, just tell mom I'm too old for surprise parties.

 

Саша Laurie: But you're the baby and Momma loves her baby.

 

Олег Eric: If you do it, you can borrow the VistaCruiser.

 

Саша Laurie: All night.

 

Олег Eric: All night?! Fine!

 

Саша Laurie: Then it's a deal. Baby.

 

Laurie exits going up the stairs.

 

Боря Kelso, laughing: Wouhouhouhouhou! Oh! Yeah! Your sister wants me! I mean you saw her coming on to me right?

 

Fez is about to talk but Hyde keeps him back.

 

Никита Hyde: Let him go!

 

Боря Kelso: Remember? I said 'Hello Laurie' and Laurie said:

 

Саша Laurie: Hello Kelso. I'm waiting and I want you baby, to take me now. I need it bad, I need it all night. And Momma loves her baby. I'm completely naked under this and I'm hot for you Kelso!

 

Боря Kelso: What? You didn't see it?

 

 

DINING ROOM

 

Никита Red: Get out of the yard!

 

He sits down.

 

Никита Red: So, how's your friend Janice?

 

Саша Laurie: Pregnant.

 

Эллина Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

 

Олег Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall…

 

Никита Red: Eric, for God's Sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

 

Саша Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think mom does too.

 

Эллина Kitty: Well, I just don't like my little boy banding those words about. You're still my baby!

 

She wipes his mouth with a napkin.

 

Олег Eric:Thanks mom! Laurie!

 

Никита Red: Quit staring at your sister and eat your carrots.

 

Саша Laurie: Oh yeah, Eric wanted me to tell you that he thinks he's too old for a party. Keys.

 

Эллина Kitty: There's no party! Laurie, loose lips!

 

Олег Eric: Oh Laurie, I just remembered, I can't loan you the VistaCruiser on account of I hate you.

 

Никита Red: Laurie, you're not driving the VistaCruiser. It's old and undependable. It could break down and you'd be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's okay for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. Oh and here's a twenty.

 

Саша Laurie: Will that cover gas?

 

Эллина Kitty: Oh well, it should. Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.

 

Олег Eric: I could probably use some gas money.

 

Никита Red: Yeah. And if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

 

 

LIVING ROOM

 

Doorbell chimes, stair-lights go on.

 

Олег Eric: Coming. I'm coming!

 

Eric opens the door to find Donna.

 

Олег Eric: Donna, Donna, it's three am! Are you crazy?

 

Настя Donna: Crazy? Crazy in love with you! What is it about you that drives me wild with desire?

 

Олег Eric: Well, I am seventeen now.

 

Настя Donna: Shut up and sit down!

 

They sit down.

 

Настя Donna: I have to give you your birthday present. It can't wait any longer. Close your eyes!

 

He closes his eyes. She puts in his hands he nightgown.

 

Олег Eric: This is my birthday present?

 

Настя Donna: No, that's my nightgown. I'm your present. Open your eyes birthday boy!

 

He opens his eyes to find a platter with two fried eggs on it.

 

HIS FAMILY: Surprise!

 

He is in his BEDROOM.

He screams.

Эллина Kitty: Birthday breakfast! And this is it young man! A few gifts tonight the end! And it is too late to change your mind about a party now so don't think you're getting one or you will be sorely disappointed!

 

Kitty exits, laughing all the way.

 

Никита Red: Happy birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself!

 

Red exits.

 

Олег Eric: Thanks mom, dad.

 

Саша Laurie: Hey little brother, nice tent!


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